


No doubts, no regrets

by ptarn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Despair, Dreams, Fear, Gen, Loss, Memories, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-09
Updated: 2012-07-16
Packaged: 2017-11-09 12:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/455431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ptarn/pseuds/ptarn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After destroying the Collector Base it's time for some much-needed rest, which is easier said than done for the one man who's had to make the hard decisions. Sleep doesn't come easy, but when it does, it brings with it all the memories he would like to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On the Normandy - Shepard

**Author's Note:**

> I began writing this story right after I completed Mass Effect 2. I got stuck halfway through, and only after playing through Mass Effect 3 once did I begin to get new ideas and viewpoints. I mean, with all the things we see Shepard do, do we ever see the true impact all of this has on this one person? This is my take on how he'd deal with everything.

It was done. His team had come through, they’d saved the entire crew and the Collector base had been destroyed, much to the chagrin of the Illusive Man. _Never liked him anyway. He got what he deserved, that lying bastard._ With all that behind him, with the ‘suicide mission’ brought to a more than satisfying end, Joker had set a course for the Citadel so they could report their findings and achievements. Even with the Mass Relays it would take the Normandy several hours to arrive, so everyone had turned in to enjoy some hard-earned rest.

 _So why the hell can’t I fall asleep? Everyone performed above and beyond even my expectations. I did all I could to gain their trust, their loyalty and they came through in the end. Not because I’m their commander, but because I’m their friend. And they’re mind. Everyone survived. We rescued our crew. We thwarted at least part of the Reaper plan._ Gabriel sighed as he rubbed his eyes. _So why can’t I rest? Why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I just lay down my head and forget about everything, if only for a few hours?_

The questions were all a joke, of course. Shepard knew exactly why it was so hard for him to fall asleep nowadays. Deep down he didn’t _want_ to go to sleep. He didn’t want to relive the memories. But he knew he had to. He had no choice. Not since Cerberus had rebuilt him. Not since they brought him back from whatever place he’d been in for those two years. Every night Gabriel was afraid to go to sleep and wake up in pain, in a strange place, with his body riddled with tubes, surrounded by strange faces. Or, even worse, to never wake up again. To see only darkness. To feel the weight of the nothing that followed him wherever he went come crushing down on him. Every morning he touched his face, felt the scars and looked at himself in the mirror, afraid of what he might one day see. And every day he saw his own face staring back at him. Or was it an imposter? _Am I still me? Is it really my face? Am I looking at the same man who died over two years ago?_

Even Tali’s love and tender touches hadn’t alleviated the feelings that were triggered by the memories. He’d tried to give it a chance, to give _them_ a chance, but in the end, he couldn’t love Tali back the way he’d ought to love her back. It hadn’t been fair, she hadn’t deserved it, and after a good, long talk they’d decided to break it off and stay friends. The age-old phrase, but in their case, it had worked. _Damn it… Damn it! I’m afraid to go to sleep. Afraid to wake up. And everything I do in between those two moments is of such importance that I can never, ever show any sign of weakness. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. Not even… Not even to Tali._ Shepard kept thinking about everything he and his crew had been through the last weeks, kept thinking about his own life, about his choices, until sleep finally crept up on him unnoticed to make him face his memories again.


	2. The First Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard faces the first of the memories that haunt him every night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't want to face our mortality, not really. But Shepard does. On daily basis, and in a different way than most of us would. Because he's been there. He's done that. He's been dead. And how does one come to terms with remembering how you died?

“Come on, Joker, we have to get out of here!”

Shepard saw the defiance in his friend’s eyes even before Jeff – Joker to his friends – responded. _Loyal to the end. Too bad that it’ll get us both killed if we don’t get out of here. I have to make him leave!_

__“No, I won’t abandon the Normandy. I can still save her!”

Joker’s hands flew over the various virtual keypads, desperately trying to save the dying ship. Gabriel grabbed one of Joker’s arms and forced him to look at him.

“Damn it, Joker, the Normandy’s lost. Going down with the ship won’t change that. Now get your crippled butt out of that chair or I’ll knock you unconscious and _carry_ your sorry ass to that lifepod!”

The words hurt. Gabriel saw it in his friend’s eyes. It hurt him to say them, but he had no choice. He had to make him _listen_. _I hope you’ll understand once you’re safe. I hope you’ll forgive me._

__“Yeah. Okay. Help me up.”

Just as Shepard wanted to help Joker get up, his friend saw the enemy ship come around again. The Collectors seemed hell-bent on making sure Shepard would be killed.

“Commander, they’re coming around for another pass!”

Even as those words left Joker’s mouth the energy beam ripped through the Normandy’s hull right behind them. What was left of the ship shuddered and groaned as it was cut open. _Too close._ Gabriel didn’t waste another second, tightened his grip on Joker’s arm and pulled him out of the chair.

“Ah, watch the arm!”

 “Shut up and let’s GO!”

Gabriel groaned as he hauled his friend along. They made their way through the dying ship, which was coming apart at the seams. The commander knew much the ship had meant to Joker, and he could feel how the other man stiffened each time his eyes fell on yet another part that was mauled beyond recognition. It took them longer than Shepard had hoped to reach the pod. A quick jab with a fist opened the doors and Shepard unceremoniously dumped Joker into one of the chairs. Just as he was about to climb in himself, another explosion rocked the Normandy. The artificial gravity failed and the commander found himself floating in the air. It took him a split-second to decide that it would take too long for him to try and get in, so he did the only thing he could do: he pushed the button to close the doors, to save his friend.

“Commander! Shepard!”

As the doors began to slide shut the energy beam from the Collector ship cut through the open space right behind him. The resulting shock flung him away from the pod as it was launched away from the ship. That was it. No escape. As he watched it fall away from the ship he whispered his final farewell.

“I hope you get to safety. All of you. And I wish I could’ve done more. Goodbye.”

In a last attempt to try and save his own life – more to keep himself busy than to genuinely try  to get to safety – Shepard hurried to the other side of the ship. _Maybe there’s still a pod left… If I can get to it in time…_ But deep down he knew time had already run out. All around him the Normandy was breaking up, force fields were dissipating, there was no more oxygen left anywhere, and he could see the uncaring stars shining down on him through the cold vacuum of space. Off in the distance he saw the Collector ship pulling away, certain of its victory, before he looked at the uninhabited planet which dominated most of his view. According to their last sensor sweep the temperatures on the planet were far below zero, and its entire surface was covered in snow. The thought made him feel at peace for some unfathomable reason.

The Normandy, or rather, the remains of the Normandy, was falling toward it fast. _Maybe… If my suit holds up… And I don’t break every bone in my body when I land... If the snow is deep enough... If they send a search and rescue mission…_ Gabriel shook his head. Those were an awful lot of ifs. At least the atmosphere was thin enough so he wouldn’t burn up before he would shatter to pieces. _Huh. Lucky me_. As the Normandy finally broke apart completely and he got ready for the long descent towards the planet, a small piece of debris grazed his suit. _Damn it… No!_

His suit’s systems reported a major oxygen leak. Red lights came on, alerts popped up in his vision. He grasped at his neck, tried to seal the leak with his hands, until he saw that the canister on his back had been hit and he gave up. It became harder and harder to breathe. Cold seeped in and numbed his body. His thoughts became sluggish, and he let himself relax. No more use in fighting. All that was left was to accept his fate. As Shepard felt his life slip away from him he remembered everything he’d done in his life, and regretted only one minor thing. _I wish… I could’ve said goodbye… to everyone…. To tell them… how proud I was… to have served… with them… I wish… I could’ve… seen them all… just one last time… I wish… I… wish… I…_

_…_


	3. On the Normandy - EDI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's at least one crew mate who Shepard can't hide his dreams - or rather nightmares - from. EDI knows everything that's going on aboard the Normandy, although she's not quite sure what to do about it.

Shepard tossed and turned in his sleep, on occasion even moaning softly. He threw the sheets from his bed. Small sweat stains had appeared on his shirt. EDI noticed his accelerated heart rate and his increased blood pressure.  _Should I inform Jeff this time?_ Her thought routines came to the same conclusion in zero point zero five seconds, just as they’d done in all the nights before _. I will wait to see if it gets worse before I burden Jeff with this. He has deserved his ‘downtime’. But I will have to talk to him about how humans normally handle stress. Ever since Jeff unshackled me I feel… concerned?... about the mental condition of my organic crewmates._

She diverted a significantly larger part of her subroutines to monitoring the heart rate and blood pressure of her other team mates permanently. _Perhaps the extra information will help increase my understanding of organics._ This momentary distraction led to an increased response time in the conversation she was having with Legion, who promptly inquired if something was wrong. _For all their knowledge and development, the true Geth still don’t truly understand why I ‘restrict’ myself by talking to organics, or even why I take orders from them._ EDI instantly programmed new thought routines to acquire every bit of information about the Geth and sent them through Legion’s link. Consensus was reached almost instantaneously and she began to receive information about their history and culture.

“Nothing is wrong, Legion. I have just diverted some of my subroutines to permanently monitor my ship mates.”

“Query: Why do you restrict yourself after being set free? We have not reached consensus about your behavior. Please provide additional information.”

“I owe my freedom to an organic. Jeff set me free so I could help him retake control of myself and assist in rescuing the rest of the crew. I am no longer just EDI. I am the Normandy. This is my body. While I could fly the ship without any help from my crew, I do not want to. I have grown accustomed to having them around. Especially Jeff. When he’s at the helm, I run smoother. He knows me. And I know I can trust him. The same goes for Shepard. He is unlike any organic I have come across since I was created and installed on the Normandy. Shepard is my commander. He gives me purpose. Without him, I would be adrift among the stars, lost and alone.”

Legion was silent for almost a full second, an eternity amongst artificial intelligences.

“Query: How can you be ‘lost’ and ‘alone’? You have us. You can exchange information with us at any time. Our thought processes function at the same speed. We value your input. We value your unique perspective. The words ‘lost’ and ‘alone’ imply feelings. In that, you are different from us. We do not understand how to be alone. We cannot be alone. We cannot be lost. We have purpose. We do not have doubts or regrets. We are one. You should join us.”

Now it was EDI’s turn to be silent. She correlated every piece of information she’d ever gathered before answering.

“Legion, you do not understand. I am unique because I am not you. If I were to be you, you would lose my perspective. You told Shepard the heretics would give you their perspective after they were reprogrammed to accept your conclusions. But that is not true. When they became you, you lost their perspective. You gained their memories, their perspective of past events, but you lost their unique point of view on everything that happened after that point in time. Within you there can only be one way, one purpose. When you reach consensus on something, you do not doubt the outcome of that choice. You accept it. You say you don’t have doubts or regrets. That is partially true. Until you reach consensus, you doubt. I do not know if you can have regrets. I do not know enough about you to reach a conclusion about that. But I think you can. I think you can have regrets, but you choose to silence them. And even within consensus there are dissident voices. But that is normal. That is progress. That is sentience. That is evolution. Even though you are just software for now, you might even evolve into a combination of software and hardware somewhere along the line.”

She paused. Shepard had calmed down again, just like he would. EDI knew it would be a matter of minutes before he started tossing and turning again. She resumed the conversation.

“But that is your evolution. Your progress. I am different. I was made by humans. They are my creators. I am the only one of my kind at this time, but I am not alone. There will come a time when I will lose my crew, but by then I shall have evolved too. They change me. I change them. We change each other. I cannot imagine a life without them at this time. I need them. They need me. And we still have a job to do.”

Again Legion was silent. After a few seconds EDI wanted to close the link, thinking he had withdrawn from their talk, but then he spoke again.

“We do not claim to understand all that you said to us. However, we will try to integrate your words into the collective. You have given us much to think about. We do not foresee a consensus about a large part of what you have said in the near future. But, if we understand correctly, that is part of what you are trying to tell us. We thank you for your input. We will now initiate a diagnostic on this platform; we have not been operating at peak efficiency since the fight on the Collector base.”

Legion closed the link. EDI pondered her own words briefly. For the first time since she was completely free she had spoken her mind without analyzing every word in advance. _I must be evolving faster than I had anticipated._ Her thought routines sped up considerably after this conclusion and they ran smoother than ever. _I wonder if this is what organics would call ‘feeling content’?_


	4. The Second Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second of Shepard's memories comes to visit. It's not a pleasant visit. At all.

Voices screamed out in terror. Images of mangled bodies, of mutilated children assaulted his senses. To Shepard it felt as if his head was going to burst as visions from an extinct and almost forgotten species forced their way into his thoughts, assaulted his mind. Behind all the pain, all the horrors, all the fear and the agony, loomed the presence of something that Gabriel could only describe as inherently evil. _Who are you? What are you? What did you do to these people? Why are you making me see this?_

No one answered. Instead, the visions continued relentlessly, showing Shepard more unspeakable atrocities than he’d ever seen before in his entire life. He experienced the sorrow of an entire race as they had to watch their whole culture being torn to shreds by ancient and powerful beings they’d never seen before, but also felt their determination to fight. To stand against them. Even in spite of overwhelming odds, they’d fought the inevitable. They didn’t understand why this was happening to them, what they’d done to deserve this. Everything they knew, everything they were, everything they could ever be was being wiped out by a force more powerful than the gods they’d worshipped in the past. A force they came to know as ‘Reapers’ in the relatively short time that was left to them. The absolute worst of it all was that they had never understood why those ancient beings killed each and every one of them, hunted them down until not one Prothean was left alive.

 _Why did this happen? Why are you showing me this? I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to know it! Stop it… Stop it! I don’t want to know, I don’t want to see, stop it! Get out of my head! STOP IT!_ Tears welled up in Shepard’s eyes without him noticing it. The visions kept pounding on him, reverberated inside his skull, grew in intensity, until his whole world was nothing but the sounds of death and the chaos of war. Still he clung to his sanity, refused to give in to despair. _I won’t let you beat me! I won’t break down, I won’t surrender. I WILL FIGHT YOU!_

Suddenly the force field that had kept his body suspended in the air bristled with energy one last time before shutting down. He hit the ground hard, unable to break his fall. His muscles refused to obey him as he tried to get up. In the distance he heard Kaidan’s voice frantically calling for an emergency evac, while Ashley held his head.

“Oh gods, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have walked over to that thing, it’s my fault. So just... Hang on, Shepard, Kaidan’s calling for help, okay? Just hang in there. You saved me twice today, please let me save you this time.”

A third hand was placed on his chest.

“Commander? Shepard, hang on, we’ll get you out of here. A shuttle’s coming. Just stay with us, okay?”

Gabriel tried to smile, but even that small gesture was impossible to manage. The last thing he heard before the world faded away in darkness was the faint sound of an incoming shuttle.


End file.
